Exactly what it says on the tin.
In case you want to decide whether you care or not, here's the short version:
I'm completely stressed out and it's my own fault.
I basically just need to vent.
Okay. Now. I'm planning to study communication design (or whatever the proper English term for this is), because it's the only way to get into illustration or animation in Germany without having to pay hundreds of Euros a month to some private academy. Which means there is a shitload of people applying, so the demands are pretty much impossible to meet. So far I have only found one public university that offers this course, and I know I need to look for more and every day that I didn't do that I have trouble falling asleep and just feel more stressed and guilty. Which is... every day, in fact. On the one hand I can't wait for this internship to end (in two weeks), but on the other hand I know that once it's over, there are only two months left to finish my portfolio and application for that one university. One. I should apply to as many as I can, and I need a portfolio full of originals for each.
And about that portfolio. Two weeks ago I went to this portfolio review session thing (Mappenberatung, someone help me translate this?), and, well, at least I wasn't the only one who didn't receive any positive comments at all. I was prepared for criticism, but not for this. My characters are boring, my drawing style looks copied, generic and emotionless, my themes are not personal enough, fiction is forbidden unless it's an adaption of your own life and experiences. So basically I'll need to make this portfolio from scratch and completely reinvent my... "art"... in order to get accepted. (The instructor literally told me I'd need a miracle to produce a decent portfolio in time.) Again, I have two months left for that. They want a minimum of 25 works. So far I have 7 titles that will be made into drawings which may very well just turn out to be clichés I didn't know about but that the professors have seen a hundred times and most done better than mine.
I am already fairly certain that they won't accept me. I have not found an alternative yet, because I'm a procrastinating little shit ruining my own life. The thing is, every day I come home from work at 7 pm, and I actually really want to have a bit of time for myself, so I put off looking up more universities or drawing for my portfolio just another day. And another one. And just one more, I swear. Which has been going on for almost half a year. And if I don't get any university to accept me, I'll have to look for another job as soon as I can (hopefully part-time because I can't take this anymore), because I'm not allowed any gaps in my résumé.
The guilt and pressure and stress of all of this is so overwhelming I'm literally on the verge of tears as I type this. I wish I could just go back to school.